Many American kids are like tiny Trumps – narcissistic and lacking impulse control. The kids in Japan, for the most part, seem very well-mannered, are not annoying and do not expect to be indulged. In theory, I’m into it. My kids’ friends nicknamed me The Funkiller, and I own it. But the Japanese approach has its downside.
This morning we went to Cafe Blue, a boutiquey waffle joint on the west side. Look at this monument to waffles:
A plane of glass separated our table from the adjacent table. Behind that plane of glass, directly over my right shoulder, was a two-and-a-half year old Japanese kid. Like 99% of Japanese toddlers, goddamn adorable. This kid was wearing a sweet yellow sweatshirt with some Pokemons or whatever on it, over the cuff of which was a dope yellow calculator watch. For the entirely of his meal (spaghetti with shrimp) he pressed his face to the glass and watched us white folks eat like we were goddamn zoo animals.
So he had to be messed with. I started with the quick TURN AROUND RIGHT IN YOUR FACE. Zero flinch, zero reaction. OK, fine. I can respect that zen demeanor. I could see his little breath slowly puffing on the glass. Next, I hit him with the full cross-eyes. Nope. Gave it couple minutes, and stuck some lettuce onto my front teeth, turned very slowly, made eye contact and opened my mouth with a dopey hill-jack smile. Again, blank, nothing. Do food-in-the-teeth gags not transcend your cultural programming, you tiny stone-faced monster?
Time to get serious. Needed some big guns. Several minutes of contemplation. It being Japan, the answer was right in front of me. I stuck two chopsticks up my nose, neutralized my expression, turned around slowly, and found his eyes with mine.
Complete stone-face. He kept casually chewing. Who knows?! Maybe he’s seen a white guy do the chopsticks-up-the-nose gag a million times. Maybe sticking chopsticks up your nose is stupid and not funny. Maybe he thought, that’s funny as hell, but if I laugh, I will bring shame upon this man. I honestly do not know.
I looked into his steely little toddler eyes and had a moment of self-awareness, that I was a grown man acting like an idiot to make a little kid laugh – and failing. And that is sad and pathetic, and therefore hilarious. So then I cracked up, and my family, who saw the kid deadpan me, did too.
So there you go, Japan. You’ve got well-behaved, docile kids who won’t bring shame upon strangers by laughing at them, even when they stick chopsticks up their nose. That’s too high a cost to bear, even for me.
Earth to Ben 