Rat Tale

This is a picture of two Vietnamese ladies picking up peanuts.

I know, dear reader, you’re thinking, Ben! What in the actual fuck? How on earth did those peanuts get on that floor? Peanuts do not belong on floors! Now see here, you’re saying, I don’t know how they do it in the Socialist Republic of Vietnam, but in America, we put our peanuts where they goddamn belong: in jars or cans, from which then they can be decanted into a bowl, or possibly a bag of some kind, or maybe, if you’re lucky, sprinkled on an ice cream cone, but probably not. We don’t just go around, tossing our nuts on the ground like we’re salting our driveways! Who do these Vietnamese think they are, anyway? Would they exhibit such wanton carelessness in their handling, of say, pecans? And, then you’d ask, and what of those those weird puffy circus peanuts, huh? Can’t even imagine how those Vietnamese barbarians would treat those! What, they probably just throw them into a river or a pond, and turn their backs and walk away, not even caring whether they float or sink. (Answer: they’d float. For a while anyway. And then probably they’d get soggy and sink, or a bass would eat them. And then get diabetes. Can a bass get diabetes? If not, medical science should look into that.) You’d ask, Ben! Why are all Vietnamese women so profligately reckless in their legume management? What possible series of events could explain and justify such a dereliction of the peanut-handling duties of the Vietnamese? To which I would respond: jesus h. christ, settle down, you racist. Man. Just chill out a little bit.

And then I would tell your racist ass a tale. Not a fable, a tale, because fables are fake, and this is true. A tale that will shed light on this peanut episode, and explain to you the innocent, non-racially-charged facts of how these peanuts came to be on this floor, and in so doing, make the world a better place. A tale of a jaunty rat that got exactly what it deserved, a young American girl who kicked that jaunty rat, and the old blind lady into whom the rat was kicked.

We were in a homestay in Hué, Vietnam. A lovely city. “Atmospheric” as the Lonely Planet loves to say. Next to the homestay, there was a little store run our host’s husband’s sister and mother – the two very sweet and tiny ladies pictured above. The younger one was roughly Decker’s size, and the older one was like a shrunken version of her daughter. I think they said she was 95 years old, and blind, which happens. At the end of a long, hot day of touristing around the Hué citadel, we stopped by the little store with its proportionately-sized proprietors for some candy. As you know, my dear but hotheaded and disturbingly racist reader, I don’t like candy, so I was merely there, waiting, watching, observing. Not in a judgmental way, like you. I was just taking it all in. The old blind lady was seated to my left, facing to the right, and on her lap she held a shallow basket of peanuts. To my right, Julia was standing at the glass counter, perusing the little store’s selection of candy. From under a palette of goods in the center of the store, a rat casually, confidently, walked out into the space and the light. I would go so far as to say that the rat sauntered out. There was no scurrying along the dark edges in the typical fashion of rodents – oh no. Not this fucking guy! This guy sauntered his little jaunty, furry little ass around the counter and right over Julia’s left foot. Without looking down, Jules reflexively kicked her foot, flinging the rat across the little store, right into the old blind lady holding the basket of peanuts. And yeah, she was startled! She just had a rat kicked onto her! I wager you’d do the same. C’mon. It’s not every day a little American girl comes just comes into your store and kicks a rat on you, at least, I don’t think so. Anyway, she didn’t know that an American girl kicked a rat at her – she’s blind, remember? She’s just there, quietly shelling her peanuts, and all of a sudden IS THAT A RAT HOLY SHIT! The point is, you’d have to be a pretty cool customer to have a rat just come flying out of nowhere, land on you, and not even flinch and spill your peanuts, is what I’m saying.

So you see? Not racial! Just a weird thing. If there’s a bad guy here, it’s that fucking haughty rat. Or actually, no, now that I think about it, Jules is the bad guy. She did kick a rat onto an old blind lady, after all. And then she laughed about it! She’s even more racist than you are! For all your loathsome and inflammatory statements, I have no reason to believe that you kick rats onto elderly asian women, like Jules does. She’s a monster. In conclusion, don’t read earthtojules.com because it’s written by a racist little rat-kicking white girl.